fi_girlfriend-bathroom

Imaginary Conversations in My Brain

scenario: bathroom – office setting.

man 1 enters and washes his hands. Sees friend (man 2).

man2: “you wash your hands before you use the restroom?”

man1: “yea, well, its cause i just ate a burger and my hands kinda smell like meat, so i dont want to get that smell on my junk.”

man2: “oh ok.”

man1: “yea. plus my girlfriend’s a vegetarian so you know.”

—

make sense? cause sometimes i wonder if i do or not.

fi_relationships

Relationship Advice

Understandably, I am not a guru of love… But here are some proper things to keep in mind when you want a successful relationship with your significant other.

  • Friendship (you want to be best friends with your mate).
  • Understanding (so you can understand each others feelings)
  • Communication (you want to be able to express your feelings)
  • Kiss (you want to end every discussion or moment with a kiss, as it shows your feelings for them).

So as long as you keep the principles of F.U.C.K. in mind, you can make it through any relationship issues.

 

—

too raw? or just ok? amusing? or just plain stupid? be honest.

Scenes in My Head – Bathroom

Sometimes I just think of random situations or scenarios. Just skits I suppose. Here is one of them:

Setting: bathroom.

Man 1 enters and washes his hands. Sees friend (Man 2).

Man 2: “You wash your hands before you use the restroom?”

Man 1: “Yea, well, it’s cause I just ate a burger and my hands kinda smell like meat, so I don’t want to get that smell on my junk.”

Man 2: “Oh ok.”

Man 1: “Yea. plus my girlfriend’s a vegetarian so you know.”

and…scene.

 

—

 

get it?

fi_quickbits

Quick bits…

  •  stupid thought. but its like all the people talk about like supermodels being too skinny. or that people are putting too much emphasis on that skinny is sexier or something. but i think its not about being skinny is pretty…its practicality. the skinny people use less material for designs. so it costs less to make a dress or something. no?
  • dr. scholl’s shoe things look just like the geico ones. like in the dr. scholl’s commercial uses like gels as circles and they look like eyes. while geico uses eyes on top of a money. i think its diff color, like blue vs green. but its similar and kinda makes me laugh. cause the dr. scholls commercial deals with a dude who is getting his CAR towed. ha.
  •  i was at dinner with coworkers. and i looked at a coworker that i had seen before. and i thought he had a tattoo on his forearm. but it turned out to be a lot of arm hair.
  • somehow i think if the police chief speaks with a new york-an kinda accent, no matter the state, just sounds more authorative for some reason.
  • i got this joke i sent to a friend out in missouri or whatever.
    “What’s the difference between your vagina and my dick?”
    “about 1800miles and 7inches :-p”oooooooooooooh vulgarity hahaha.
  • sometimes when you’re cleaning up your place, you might come across like an old “lost” item. and then you remember, oh its not really yours, it use to be like your friend’s, or your significant other (at the time)’s. but now its like you no longer are in touch with that person anymore, cause you moved away or they did. but then other times, you kinda realize, ‘oh yea. they’re dead. and they are never gonna come back…unless zombies come back alive, but even then, the strength required to open the coffen and the 6ft of dirt would be impossible for a deceased body of that age to be able to open up. and so, they’re still dead and gone.” and having that dialogue in your brain helps from really thinking about the death part… and just focus on the permanent ownership of the object now. that and just repeating it kinda almost makes it humourous in some manner not understandable at the moment.
  • theres that commercial with all the food icon (logos).like charlie tuna is there. the coutn chocula i think. the jolly green giant, the pickles guy, pillsbury doughboy and like that little girl off the mortons salt. and its like a mastercard thing abuot like getting everyone together… priceless.but i was thinking… of all the food icons there, charlie tuna is kinda fucked up. and to a lesser extent doughboy. charlie tuna is essentially telling people to eat tuna. and he’s a tuna. and its like if he eats it isn’t that cannibalism?

    the doughboy is bad cause he’s made of dough and so is his pastries or baked goods.

  • “Here Will, heres a shirt [hands over shirt]. i didnt know your shirt size so i got you a 2XL. i figure you’ll either grow into it…or you have the mind to shrink it in the dryer.”

Perhaps, I should be a screenwriter…

today, my mechanic informed me, ‘you have too much junk in your trunk”.
and with a raise eyebrow, i put down my bagel.

…
Setting: Tower Records

Characters:
1 Male, 18-22yrs old, store clerk
1 Male, mid-20s, customer purchasing music CDs.

Customer, “oh, hi. i noticed that this CD was listed as 11.99 on the website. but it’s 16.99 here.”
Clerk, “uh huh. well, why didnt you buy it online?”
Cust, “oh, because i wanted to get it now, instead of waiting for it to be delivered.”
Clerk,”oh ok. well, in that case, thats a “now” charge.”
Cust, “what? thats crazy.”
Clerk,”yea, well you’re crazy.”, points finger.
Cust,[confused look], “you must hate your job.”
Clerk,”of course! except for moments like these.”

———-

so that didn’t happen, but the thought occurred…in my head. even though i’d be the customer and the clerk would be the clerk. but it just amuses me, like my other made up one about teh supermarket. here it is again! cause it makes me laugh cause its more raw than the above one.

——-
setting: supermarket – the rice and pasta aisle.

Characters:
1 caucasian male shopper, 30-40 yrs old, curiously confused.
1 chinese male shopper, early 20s, easily disgruntled.

caucasian male, “Excuse me, can you help me?”
asian male, “um. sure, what do you need?”
cm, “I’m looking at all these rices here, and what do you suggest is a good type of rice grain?”
am, “you’re looking at the rices and you’re asking me whats the best one?…”
cm,”Yes” (blink blink)
am, “its jasmine, its good.”
cm,”Thanks. I could tell you know whats a good type of rice.”
am, “… ok. now that i helped you, maybe you can help me.”
cm,”Sure.”
am, “heres a picture of my two sisters… can you suggest which one i should fuck?”
cm,”…” (runs away)
am, “hey, where are you going? what? i can’t ask you something you might know about?”

——–
brain = imagination station, and the train has already left…
——-

fi_venicebeach

Old Thought for a Sunday

check it, i think they should come out with a holiday line of scarecrows with a jesus theme. i mean if you look at it, jesus nailed to the cross is really similar to the classic scarecrow design. in fact, i wonder if jesus did in fact inspire the first person to come up with the scarecrow.

as if a farmer thought about jesus, and was thinking, ‘you know what would scare off some birds from my crop…jesus… on the cross.” and eventually, the jesus scare crow got covered up with clothes, cause people don’t want to see a mostly nekkid jesus all the time. (plus, using a dead/dying body or recreating a skin texture would be difficult in older times- what with the lack of the innovations of prosthetics or plasticine for realistic skin texture). i mean it wasn’t his finest physical form at that time. cause i mean i think he got stabbed by a spear and looked a bit emaciated or whatnot.

anyways, back to the point. SCARECROW: Jesus Edition, just in time for christmas. the only bad thing is if the crows were phillistine or something, then they’d peck the shit out of jesus.

jesus. jesus. jesus. jesus. jesus.