Wolverine Bobblehead Universal Studios Florida

Wolvie’s Barbershop Now Open

We all know who Wolverine is — He’s that popular mutant from X-Men with adamantium claws. Razor sharp claws that easily can rip through must anything.

And yet, it makes me wonder, has Wolvie ever used his claws to give people haircuts?

And I’m talking more like a proper haircut. You know with his three claws, it’s like a Gillette Mach3 razor. The first blade lifts the hair, the second one cuts the hair. And finally, the third blade takes a little skin off the top.

I know Professor X has a real reason with having a bald head, but it still makes me wonder if there’s an uncut scene of Wolverine setting up a mock barbershop and giving ol’ Prof a little off the top.

Pete Holmes explores some aspect of the X-Men world with a Professor X hiring/firing habits in his various skits from his now-defunct talk show. Here are some that I liked. One deals with Wolverine and his usefulness to the team…especially taking into mind how their main adversary manipulates metal and Wolverine’s skeleton is covered in metal.

Full Playlist of Pete Holme’s “Ex-Men”

white_people

Oh. White people.

This video has been going  around and I like it. I’m Chinese and it reminds me of basically most of my childhood life and how I have been asked similar questions.

I remember a while back, while I was in a carpool with a friend on our way to work one day.  We always passed by this church that had a giant cross on top of it and at night that cross was lit up.  One day, I turned to my Caucasian friend and asked an honest question:

“Why do white people burn crosses?”

Of course, he was a bit taken aback from the question.  I knew he wasn’t part of the KKK or even from the south, but I still figured maybe white people just know about all white people activities. Much like, many people have asked me about China, even though I was born here in America and have never gone to China ever.

“Does everyone in China know kung fu?”

“How come every time you eat Chinese food, you get hungry again after an hour?”

“In Karate Kid, why do they call him ‘Daniel-san’? I mean is he like the son of Daniel?”

But I know it’s not good to generalize or stereotype people. Yet, I find myself doing it for humour’s sake at times.

 

asian kid eating rice

Asian Stigmas or How Jeremy Lin Could Help Break It All

Asian Stigmas.

Asian people aren’t known for their athleticism outside of ping pong and maybe girls gymnastics.

And then there was Jeremy Lin of the New York Knicks.  “Linsanity” as it was dubbed at the height of his popularity.  He was gonna change it all. He showed the world, that Asian people can ball.

And perhaps, as if to just cement the new age of Asians in sports, Jeremy Lin might have big balls.  And one day, while going up for a layup or a dunk, somehow his penis would fall out of his shorts and slap a taller black player in the face.  It’d be like saying “ka-pow! … There’s a new sheriff in town. And he isn’t squinting from the sun, it’s cause he’s Asian.”

But with his knee surgery, who knows if Jeremy Lin will come back to basketball fame. This writer can only hope, so he has an Asian American idol.  Lord knows that William Hung isn’t much of an idol to strive for, even though he has dreams.

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Imaginary Conversations in My Brain

scenario: bathroom – office setting.

man 1 enters and washes his hands. Sees friend (man 2).

man2: “you wash your hands before you use the restroom?”

man1: “yea, well, its cause i just ate a burger and my hands kinda smell like meat, so i dont want to get that smell on my junk.”

man2: “oh ok.”

man1: “yea. plus my girlfriend’s a vegetarian so you know.”

—

make sense? cause sometimes i wonder if i do or not.

thought

That time of the month to talk about vaginas…

So there was an episode of Modern Family this past week that talked about how sometimes when girls are living together, their body cycles synch up, which means they start having the same day for their period. And that happens.  I don’t know how, but it happens. And if you think about it, it is really kinda weird.

It’s like the vaginas are somehow communicating with one another.  Telepathically, perhaps? Whispers in the night?

Regardless of the manner in which the communication happens, it just makes me wonder how the conversation goes. Maybe something like:

Vagina 1, “Hey Vagina 2, how are you doing?”

Vagina 2, “Heavy.”

Vagina 1, “Oh bother, that’s not good. So, you’ll be like this for the next seven days, huh?

Vagina 2 sigh, “yea…”

Vagina 1, “Hmm. Well that doesn’t really work for me.  How bout we synch up next month, and then you won’t feel as bad.”

Vagina 2, “Sounds great! Thanks Vagina 1!”

Or not.

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5 Foot 10 Inch Man Eating Chicken

…Do you remember as a kid going to a public pool for the first or second time. You’d splash in the water and try to swim and you sometimes take a gulp of the water by mistake. And for a moment, it’s different – it’s like tasty and you almost kind of like it. On a hot summer day, it seems refreshing. But, then, as you grow older or wiser, you realize… that pool water is just full of bacteria and chlorine and pee pee and all sorts of nasty stuff that you don’t want to swallow, cause it’s killing ya.

Well, I kinda relate that to sweet and sour sauces from fast food places like McDonalds or Wendy’s. And it’s like I dip the chicken nugget in the sauce and I eat it. And at first you have that “oooh” enjoyable sweet and sour taste. Then, you swallow, you realize that that shit is full of preservatives and chemicals and all sorts of nasty stuff that you don’t want to swallow, cause its killing ya.

So that’s my thought.

And yet, its like a shampoo directions, 1. Wash. 2. Rinse. 3. Repeat. and the cycle continues.

Sustenance!

……………

I had a humanity rocks moment. (it’s where you do something that humanity has done/created i guess. read on to understand > )

I was eating chicken nuggets from Wendy’s, and I dropped half of a nugget in the sweet and sour sauce. I was like damn. I could have been medieval and just grabbed that shit and gotten some sweet and sour on my fingers. But I didn’t want to do that, cause then I’d have to get up and go wash my hands. So I was like HUMAN MOMENT!

MAN invents TOOLS!

And I took two crispy fried fries and fabricated some chopsticks to take it out! well. It was more of a lever action to get it out.

TOOLS!

……………

Chik-Fil-A advertising is kinda morbid if you think about it. It’s usually just Cows holding up signs, that say “Eat More Chikn” or something of that nature. But it’s COWS who don’t want to be eaten telling you to eat another animal! It’s like they have feelings like us humans. It’s like the great Homer Simpson once said, “What? You can’t kill him if he’s wearing people clothes!”

Survival!

……………

I remember seeing a booth at the South Florida fair with a the sign that said, “6 Foot Man Eating Chicken.” And it had a picture of a huge chicken. After you pay one dollar, you go inside the booth and see a 6 foot man eating a bucket of chicken. It was just a sentence, but the way it was advertised, it makes you think there’s a huge 6 foot tall chicken, who eats humans. It’s all how you present an idea.

Marketing!

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Placebo Vs Placenta – The Proper Meaning for Words

At one point, I thought placebo was the same as placenta.

But that’s not true, they are not interchangeable nouns. And to substitute either word in the wrong situation creates a new awkward moment.

Asking someone to give someone placenta to make them think that they are better, even though placenta is nothing…. doesn’t quite work right.

“Hey, you should give him a placenta. Don’t worry, it doesn’t really mean anything, in fact, if he doesn’t realize it, he might actually feel better. It’s all in the mind.

Furthermore, asking someone how a placenta tastes is not the same if you actually meant to say placebo.

“I’ve never had placenta before. Have you? Some people say it’s kinda sweet. I kinda want to try it and just make my own opinion.”

Conversely, asking if someone ever saved their placebo after a birth is not as inquistively awkward as originally intended.

just a thought. for a moment.