Asian Stigmas or How Jeremy Lin Could Help Break It All

Asian Stigmas.

Asian people aren’t known for their athleticism outside of ping pong and maybe girls gymnastics.

And then there was Jeremy Lin of the New York Knicks.  “Linsanity” as it was dubbed at the height of his popularity.  He was gonna change it all. He showed the world, that Asian people can ball.

And perhaps, as if to just cement the new age of Asians in sports, Jeremy Lin might have big balls.  And one day, while going up for a layup or a dunk, somehow his penis would fall out of his shorts and slap a taller black player in the face.  It’d be like saying “ka-pow! … There’s a new sheriff in town. And he isn’t squinting from the sun, it’s cause he’s Asian.”

But with his knee surgery, who knows if Jeremy Lin will come back to basketball fame. This writer can only hope, so he has an Asian American idol.  Lord knows that William Hung isn’t much of an idol to strive for, even though he has dreams.

asian kid eating rice

Imaginary Conversations in My Brain

scenario: bathroom – office setting.

man 1 enters and washes his hands. Sees friend (man 2).

man2: “you wash your hands before you use the restroom?”

man1: “yea, well, its cause i just ate a burger and my hands kinda smell like meat, so i dont want to get that smell on my junk.”

man2: “oh ok.”

man1: “yea. plus my girlfriend’s a vegetarian so you know.”

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make sense? cause sometimes i wonder if i do or not.

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That time of the month to talk about vaginas…

So there was an episode of Modern Family this past week that talked about how sometimes when girls are living together, their body cycles synch up, which means they start having the same day for their period. And that happens.  I don’t know how, but it happens. And if you think about it, it is really kinda weird.

It’s like the vaginas are somehow communicating with one another.  Telepathically, perhaps? Whispers in the night?

Regardless of the manner in which the communication happens, it just makes me wonder how the conversation goes. Maybe something like:

Vagina 1, “Hey Vagina 2, how are you doing?”

Vagina 2, “Heavy.”

Vagina 1, “Oh bother, that’s not good. So, you’ll be like this for the next seven days, huh?

Vagina 2 sigh, “yea…”

Vagina 1, “Hmm. Well that doesn’t really work for me.  How bout we synch up next month, and then you won’t feel as bad.”

Vagina 2, “Sounds great! Thanks Vagina 1!”

Or not.

thought

5 Foot 10 Inch Man Eating Chicken

…Do you remember as a kid going to a public pool for the first or second time. You’d splash in the water and try to swim and you sometimes take a gulp of the water by mistake. And for a moment, it’s different – it’s like tasty and you almost kind of like it. On a hot summer day, it seems refreshing. But, then, as you grow older or wiser, you realize… that pool water is just full of bacteria and chlorine and pee pee and all sorts of nasty stuff that you don’t want to swallow, cause it’s killing ya.

Well, I kinda relate that to sweet and sour sauces from fast food places like McDonalds or Wendy’s. And it’s like I dip the chicken nugget in the sauce and I eat it. And at first you have that “oooh” enjoyable sweet and sour taste. Then, you swallow, you realize that that shit is full of preservatives and chemicals and all sorts of nasty stuff that you don’t want to swallow, cause its killing ya.

So that’s my thought.

And yet, its like a shampoo directions, 1. Wash. 2. Rinse. 3. Repeat. and the cycle continues.

Sustenance!

……………

I had a humanity rocks moment. (it’s where you do something that humanity has done/created i guess. read on to understand > )

I was eating chicken nuggets from Wendy’s, and I dropped half of a nugget in the sweet and sour sauce. I was like damn. I could have been medieval and just grabbed that shit and gotten some sweet and sour on my fingers. But I didn’t want to do that, cause then I’d have to get up and go wash my hands. So I was like HUMAN MOMENT!

MAN invents TOOLS!

And I took two crispy fried fries and fabricated some chopsticks to take it out! well. It was more of a lever action to get it out.

TOOLS!

……………

Chik-Fil-A advertising is kinda morbid if you think about it. It’s usually just Cows holding up signs, that say “Eat More Chikn” or something of that nature. But it’s COWS who don’t want to be eaten telling you to eat another animal! It’s like they have feelings like us humans. It’s like the great Homer Simpson once said, “What? You can’t kill him if he’s wearing people clothes!”

Survival!

……………

I remember seeing a booth at the South Florida fair with a the sign that said, “6 Foot Man Eating Chicken.” And it had a picture of a huge chicken. After you pay one dollar, you go inside the booth and see a 6 foot man eating a bucket of chicken. It was just a sentence, but the way it was advertised, it makes you think there’s a huge 6 foot tall chicken, who eats humans. It’s all how you present an idea.

Marketing!

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Placebo Vs Placenta – The Proper Meaning for Words

At one point, I thought placebo was the same as placenta.

But that’s not true, they are not interchangeable nouns. And to substitute either word in the wrong situation creates a new awkward moment.

Asking someone to give someone placenta to make them think that they are better, even though placenta is nothing…. doesn’t quite work right.

“Hey, you should give him a placenta. Don’t worry, it doesn’t really mean anything, in fact, if he doesn’t realize it, he might actually feel better. It’s all in the mind.

Furthermore, asking someone how a placenta tastes is not the same if you actually meant to say placebo.

“I’ve never had placenta before. Have you? Some people say it’s kinda sweet. I kinda want to try it and just make my own opinion.”

Conversely, asking if someone ever saved their placebo after a birth is not as inquistively awkward as originally intended.

just a thought. for a moment.

fi_placebo

Men Have Penises and Women Have Vaginas…

Because my mind is weird like that….

So. They say men have better hand eye coordination cause of like the old school innate hunting skills of way back when. So it’s embedded in our psyche slightly. but really, I think it just boils down to anatomy.

Not to say men are born with better eyesight or a bigger brain to process motion and movement and aim or whatnot. Simply put, we have penises. And when we pee, we have to aim to make sure we don’t pee on ourselves. Additionally, for the most part, I hope we aim so we hit the urinal or the toilet and not the ground (when applicable).

So with such practice, it just makes sense that it correlates to better general hand eye coordination.

 

or am i just crazy?

or sexist?

or simply dumb?

fi_mnms

Quick Bits – Underwear

You know… it sounds silly, but I like fresh just washed and dried underwear. You know, when it’s still warm from the dryer. And then you put it on and its like such an all encompassing warmth. It’s like three warm hands are cradling you – two for your bum, and one for your crotch.

But it’s not like it’s molesting you. It’s just really supportive and comforting in some weird fashion. No?

However, then I think about the possible repercussions of putting on warm to hot underwear on. I’m a man. So, having warmth on my goods isn’t that good for my troops. So, although it is interesting and nice feeling, I often have to not do it – for the sake of my future children.

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Crotchless panties. It’s so you can air out the parts up front but still have that support in the back. So, if you decide to poop, you now have a carriage.

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Crotchless panties. It’s like saying, ‘Hey. This is way more functional than having a zipper or a clothe porthole.”

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