Epcot

Can’t Trust Pregnant Women

This probably plays to my paranoia more than anything, but sometimes I can’t tell if someone is pregnant or if they are just faking it. I remember watching some sitcom as a child, and it was a Christmas episode.

The father returns home, holding a pillow, and looking visibly distraught. When his family asks what happened, he explained that he had bought all the Christmas gifts for everyone at the mall, and when he was leaving he saw a pregnant woman standing by a car that had a flat tire. And in the Christmas spirit, he decides to stop and get out to help her. As he approached the tire to see how flat it was, the “pregnant” lady hits him with a pillow that she had under her shirt to look pregnant. Then she jumps into his car and drives off. Meanwhile, someone pops up from the pregnant lady’s car and drives off that car. Leaving the sitcom father holding a pillow in the mall parking lot without a car and without the family’s Christmas gifts.

That stuck with me for some reason. The sense to do good, but then have something bad happening to you. Chivalry but at a cost.

So, I was at Target the other day, looking in the grocery section at family microwave meals. Is a prime rib meal really that good? While, I was in my mental dilemma of dinner options, from the corner of my eye, I notice a lady in black approaching me. She looked pregnant, but she was wearing a work shirt for a local day spa. She looked at me, and I started to wonder if my mouth was ajar as I imagined the taste of microwaved brisket.

But no, she looked at me because I was taller than her and she needed some help. She asked me if I could get some of the liquid egg cartons that were on the top shelf of this open fridge display. I ask, if she wanetd the small version or if she wanted the large one. She said the large one, which required me to really tippy-toe reach up and expose my back to her.

And that’s when it happened. My mind went back to that Christmas episode and the fake pregnant lady. Was I this lady’s mark? As my back turned was she going to hit me and then roll me for my wallet?

I got her the first carton of eggs. And was not mugged. Bullet dodged as my mind thought. Then the pregnant lady asked for more, she wanted 3 of the large liquid egg cartons. So, I turned around again and this time I felt like this might be it.

I might get mugged in a Target grocery section by a 5 foot tall non-pregnant lady.

But alas, nothing of my imagination happened. I was fine. But I still leered at the pregnant lady trying to understand if she was pregnant, and then trying to understand how hungry she must be to be utilizing three large liquid egg cartons. Also, since she was pregnant, I wondered how she worked at the spa and if she was a massage therapist and if the pregnancy belly would get in the way of it all.

rings

Love is Blind — Marriage is the Eye Opener

I got married. It’s almost a whole year of being married. It’s an interesting journey and I love my wife. For the wedding, I was planning on saying some elaborate thank you speech. However, with all the hustle and bustle of planning the wedding, I forgot about it.

Still, I wrote a couple of potential speeches. The following is partly from before the wedding, but now I edited a bit.

It all starts with a quote.

Love is blind — marriage is the eye-opener.
— Pauline Thomason

Who is Pauline Thomason? I dont know.

Regardless, it’s true.

A common phrase is “Love is blind” and well, marriage is an eye opener. What you saw before is almost the same, but you get even more. If you don’t live together, now you can see how the other person lives; and that’s an eye opener. From a guy’s perspective, you see hair that isn’t yours on the ground or in the shower — new weird devices used for crimping hair, or curling it are now randomly placed across the bathroom counter. All I knew was just the hair dryer and a comb, maybe a hair clip, but all these other things? How peculiar. And then there’s that cylindrical Polly-O string cheese looking shape thing that is in a paper wrapper (Note, it’s not string cheese at all).

But that’s just the surface of it all. It’s just me being silly. What will happen is that your eyes will open and you’ll see the person you love in new eyes. This isn’t just your “significant other” anymore… it’s your life mate. It’s the person that will feed you soup when you’re ill [or maybe cook you (instant) ramen if that’s your healing source of choice]. The one to hold your hand at a family’s funeral. The one who will hug you at the end of a bad day…or even on a good day or an average day. This is the person you not only still love, but you’re married to (for life).

They’ll be bad times, this is just known as that is just the way of life at times — Ups and downs, like a roller coaster.  But keep your eyes open, so you can see the person who is next to you, who stands with you in spite of tough times. Keep your eyes open and see who’s hand you’re holding. Keep your eyes open to see the one you love looking back at you.  Love can be blind, but marriage is the eye opener.

Technically, as a thank you speech, it doesn’t quite work since I didn’t quite include a “thank you” part. It was really just my thoughts on marriage and what it means to me. And now that I have some experience as a married person, I have to say, I like it. I love coming home to my wife. I love sleeping next to her and waking up to her.

I’m happy.

Cheetah and tree

You know how traffic could be worse?

Traffic just by itself is not fun- being bumper to bumper with the cars around you, making little to no progression to your destination. That’s kinda how it is living in a place where commuting is normal.

But on the bright side, you’re in your car.  You have air conditioning to keep you cool. You got a radio for entertainment, and you have the option to close your windows to shut out the outside noise and smells of other cars and drivers and cigarettes. It’s not as bad as it could be.  I mean what if you were in traffic and everyone had horses!

Horses.

There’s no air conditioning on a horse. And, horses tend to poop freely even while walking. So in horse traffic, your horse is libel to step in the fresh poop of another horse. So by the time you get home, your horse is likely to have brought in poop from the freeway. Also, the general smell of a horse isn’t all that alluring. Doubtfully, would there ever be a “horse” cologne.

So with that perspective, maybe traffic ain’t all that bad. Just imagine a worse scenario like having to ride a horse for 2 hours to work and back.

fi_jeans

Pants Magician – Belts

Pants. Belts. Sometimes you have to accessorize with a belt.  Be it fashion or function or perhaps both. And that’s fine.  Belts have a purpose. But I don’t really like it.

It’s during the point of urination, when I don’t particularly like having a belt on. I’m the type of personality that likes to un-belt, unbutton, and unzip my pants in order to pee.  I don’t like just unzipping, cause then that means I’d have to use the porthole. The porthole – the slot in your underwear/boxer, where the penis can come out for air.  It’s just weird to me.  I feel like a pants magician if I have to go through the slot.

You know, a pants magician. It’s like pulling a rabbit from a hat. but really it’s just me digging in the porthole. Drum roll. Slight dramatic pause. Abracadabra! Penis!

So. Belt. Convenient to hold up my pants, but a bit bothersome when it comes to peeing. Just another step in the process.  Maybe that’s why I never dug overalls as a child.  The two clips on top over the shoulders was one too many clips for my little hands to deal with.